Sometimes you go on a rollercoaster ride and it’s a thrilling few moments of your life. You might even wait in line for hours to experience those minutes, like Space Mountain at Disneyland or The Giant Dipper at the Santa Cruz Beach Boardwalk. Other times you are on a roller coaster and you just want it to end. “Let me off!” you want to yell, but you know they won’t stop the ride for you, and you can’t articulate those words anyway because you’re too busy screaming your head off and praying your heart out.
The last week was like the latter ride for us. I went to my 12 week prenatal appointment on Monday morning. After an ultrasound showed no baby there, I was told I should expect a miscarriage. But, I was sent to the lab to have bloodwork done to check the hormone levels. Two and a half days later the Doctor’s office called me back and said that my hormone levels were high – on par with where they should be for that far along in my pregnancy. They had me come back the next morning for another ultrasound. After shedding many tears and readjusting my expectations of the next year yet again, I sat in the waiting room feeling nervous and almost numb. I wasn’t sad, I wasn’t excited; I was just there. The Doctor did another ultrasound and saw the baby immediately. We were happy, but again I had to let it sink in, as I had just convinced myself of the positives of not being pregnant (like not being 7 months pregnant on our camping trip to Yosemite this summer, and being able to go on our annual trip to Los Angeles sans kids in the fall).
Here is something I wrote when I thought I was having a miscarriage:Our hearts ache Knowing that we will never feel your babysoft skin Or feel your wisps of downy hair Your tiny hand will never grasp our fingers We’ll never see your sparkly eyes or your perfectly shaped lips We weep when we think of the chubby cheeks that will never be pinched The sweet spot of your neck that will never be kissed You will never grace us with your sweet milky breath Or delight us with your belly laughs You left us too soon And we were not prepared
In a way, I’m glad this happened to us. I feel that I have much more sympathy for people who have to go through a loss like that. Although I have had two miscarriages before, they were both very early. The symptoms of pregnancy force themselves upon me with such alacrity that I know I’m pregnant within a few days of the blessed event. That’s the only reason I even know I miscarried. But this situation was so different, having seen the baby and the heartbeat at a prior visit, I’d already started bonding. Mercifully, our loss only lasted a few days. Now we are back on track to preparing for the arrival in September or October. Let’s just hope this baby doesn’t turn out to be as much of a trickster as they’ve already proven themselves to be!